By Phil Golding (Psychotherapist, Multilevel Healing Practitioner and Author)
Living successfully means many things to many people, because we all have different goals and different destinies, which go to make up the wonderful variety of the human experience. Ultimately though, I believe it means living life from the core of your heart, which brings to your life joy, personal power and wisdom, and the ability to pass this on to others.
Successful living also has much to do with balance. We can be a high achiever in business through the shear force of our will, for instance, but have very poor success in personal relationships, which requires different skills altogether. Being able to gain a balance in all areas of our life that will bring us true long-lasting fulfillment requires us to find a higher center within our own intelligence that can coordinate the different facets of our being. This center is within the heart of every human being.
By the term "heart", I mean that inner presence of greater consciousness within every human being that is there waiting to pour itself out to us when we make the time and effort to reach into ourselves. It is first known as conscience, but then as we become more integrated with this inner core by being more willing to let go to it, it is then known as intuition. For some, this inner core of every human being is known as Soul or Spirit or just God. As we become increasingly self-aware, we are able to distinguish the nature of our Soul from the nature of our physical personality, and thus willingly and consciously transfer the motives of our ego to the will of our Soul. This new identification on behalf of our ego enables us as an individual to begin taking real conscious command of our personality. This immersion into the Soul constitutes the later stages of evolution of the human consciousness and is the true meaning behind self-empowerment. Today hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of people all over the world are ready, or entering into a readiness, to take this step.
I am not talking about religion, although I am not excluding the religious. I am talking about a natural stage in growth of a human being - a natural evolution available to us all. This stage of human potential is not just the domain of Sages and Saints, or even heads of corporate empires. Such revered ones simply represent the culmination of a certain human potential before an even greater cycle of life is entered into. No, this stage of self-actualization, as it is often termed in our modern terminology, is available to every practically intelligent human being who is ready to take full personal responsibility for his or her self. It is not necessary to be "spiritual" or "religious", although this is often a by-product of self-awareness as we discover the immensity of that which we are all a part. And it does not mean that all spiritual or religious people are self-empowered. We are all well aware that this is not the case. The fear-based human ego can manipulate anything to its own ends, and therefore, on this level, nothing is sacred. It isn't until we start to move beyond our limited fear-based ego thinking that we start to glimpse the reality of things, where the pieces of the puzzle of life begin to fit together for us. The path to true self-empowerment has to start somewhere, and those of us who are ready to take a greater command of our own life have traveled a great distance already. Take heart in this reality, for if greater self-empowerment is your desire, be confident that you will have the inner strength and fortitude to push through even though the obstacles may at first seem insurmountable. The first rule of this new phase of your human journey is "never give up!"
Where you are and who you are right now is your starting point. Accept this as right and true and work to make the most of the moments you have now. The first mistake we make is to grasp for the big dream and then become despondent because we cannot reach this goal quickly. We fall into despair and assume that the world has rejected us in some way, when all along the problem is within our own self. At first we regard this realization of our self-defeating nature with aghast and a feeling of great shame, and we may even think we must be fundamentally flawed in some way, but this is not so either despite what many medical people try to tell us. If we don't give up and continue to stay in touch with our journey we soon realize that as human beings, every one of us is individually a source of unimaginable and unlimited power. This reality makes the whole picture very simple in a way, because if we are the problem and also the doorway to unlimited power, then we don't have to go very far to make great changes in our life. This key to successful living lies within you. My job is to teach you how to find it. Success means understanding the "law of first things first", which means the starting point of all action is always our own self.
Therefore, the pace of personal growth is invariably slow at first as we are laying down "inner-roots" of faith and conviction. The more knowledge, awareness, and experience we accumulate, the faster the pace our growth picks up provided we pay attention to the step by step process that facilitates our growth. If we are brave enough to open up into ourself deeply and widely and refuse to close the doors despite initial fear and pain then we can make some sudden and profound shifts or jumps in consciousness, like going into "warp drive". If we try to skip steps due to impatience, or an unwillingness to "go there", we will only have to back-track to do them later. All and all, slow and steady wins the race, as the tortoise would say to the hare.
Contained in every heart is a set of natural Laws that, if followed, will ensure that you will reach your full potential in this life. Even though we are all unique, these natural Laws are basically the same for everybody, just the same way that everyone living on earth is affected by gravity. We have lost touch with these "Laws of Consciousness" because, through life's difficult circumstances, we have lost touch with our own heart. This is the ultimate human challenge - to relearn how to consciously connect with our heart and find our power within, and the ultimate power is the power to love. Note how I said the "power to love" and not the power of love. Those who are not succeeding in life are still waiting around for life to love them, whereas those who have found success have learned that their power comes from their ability to love life!
As human beings we are totally acceptable and worthy - we have always been so and always will be. This is absolute. Our human imperfections do not effect our worth as human beings. Self-judgement, created from old emotional wounds, attacks our worth and is the real reason for our suffering. When we are suffering, our mind is in a state of confusion. Deep down we are crying out for love and healing. We can heal ourselves because we are also Souls of true perfection. Self-acceptance creates within our being a state of unity that prepares the way for healing. Therefore we are imperfect and perfect, and this is perfectly human.
Personal responsibility is the total commitment to care for ourselves in the spirit of total self-acceptance, gentle patience, and unconditional love. There is no judgement. By working this step we realize that our negative thoughts and emotions come from our own confused and wounded mind. As human beings we have the power to stand apart from our wounded mind and hold it in a loving space of compassionate and patient acceptance. Whenever we experience discontent we have another opportunity to care for and heal our painful thoughts and emotions. Our pain is our responsibility. We are not a victim. We can also care for ourselves by reaching out for help. Step 2 reveals to us the vital importance of this absolute commitment to care for ourselves, and how this commitment releases us from unhealthy dependency by aligning our consciousness to our heart and Soul.
Letting go reveals how to step out of the ego games of blame, conflict and control, and step into the freedom of personal growth and healing. This step helps us to recognize that there is nothing outside of ourself. Our life simplifies dramatically when we accept that all that we experience is ourself experiencing the world. To change our life it is our own reactions to the world, and the people in it, that we need to focus on and take total responsibility for. We do this by staying present with our own physical sensations, emotions and thoughts in the spirit of loving compassion for ourselves. By staying in touch with our self in this way our ego also opens to our Soul, giving us the power to heal and the clarity of mind to move into wise action. We gain a great focus of power to change our world by first healing and re-aligning any part of our own mind that is not motivated by unconditional love for ourself and all others. Every experience then becomes an opportunity to grow in self-awareness, self-love, and self-empowerment. We can change our world by simply changing ourself.
As a physical being with its ego, we can only act in the now. We have no power over the past or the future other than ensuring that we make the most of today, which points us in the right direction for tomorrow. We can only learn from the past, make plans and set goals for the future, and then trust our Soul to take care of rest. Therefore, regret and worry is a form of victim thinking and is in need of healing. When we forget and slip back into our old ways, we can pick the process up again at any time and learn from our human mistakes. Everyday is a new day. With this realization our life simplifies even more and we find we have a greater ability to make the most of our opportunities. It does not matter what directions we take. By working the steps and therefore staying connected to the guidance of our own heart, in time we always end up going the right way.
There is no moment in life that does not contain a lesson. Without an effective process for healing, wisdom and self-empowerment we are travelling blind in a world of confusion. Having a solid process to guide us ensures that we grow in awareness of these lessons and learn from them. Being totally committed to such a process means that it becomes our new way of life. As we gain a deeper understanding of this new way of thinking we soon realize that we have the ability to face anything that crosses our path. Every experience in life becomes an opportunity to expand our consciousness and transcend our suffering. We do this by remaining open and tuned into our own being. We then have something to give to others, because we now know how to remain open to receive from the Light of our own Soul, which is directly connected to the source of life itself.
The degree that you love and care for yourself is the degree that you will find others with the ability to love you. Like attracts like. They will love you because they love themselves.
Of course I am talking about genuine self-acceptance and personal responsibility and not egocentricity. The quickest way I know how to develop love for ourself is to first raise our awareness of the ways we tune out from ourself. Every time we tune out we are abandoning our commitment to genuinely care for ourself. This is a symptom of the ways we have learnt to judge our emotional energy. We have become fooled and mesmerized by our distorted perceptions that tell us that we are not good enough because we can't control our emotions. As a result we develop a mindset that "does not want to go there." Therefore emotions and perception need to be treated very differently. Our perceptions need to be treated with patient but consistent discipline and gentle wisdom. They need to be always exposed to the light of reality and replaced by our best understanding of truth, which is an evolving thing. This is where a process of personal change comes in, such as the 5-Step Process for Inner Healing, Self-Empowerment and Wisdom, practiced here at the Inner Harmony Center. The biggest distortion that comes from our perceptions as an adult is thinking we are a victim.
I am using an analogy in my talks lately that is proving effective with helping people see this reality more clearly. An important point we first need to realize is that we often confuse healing with justice. Healing and justice do not depend on one another, nor do they necessarily facilitate one another. At first we don't realize that there is a major difference between these two conditions. What I often do to make my point is ask someone if I can borrow his or her arm. When the unsuspecting volunteer gives me their arm I then pinch it quite hard to cause them a fair amount of pain. I then sit back down and quiz them about how it felt physically and emotionally to have their arm unexpectedly assaulted. I ask the simple question "Who hurt your arm?" Often it's assumed I am asking a trick question but of course the answer is that it was me who hurt their arm. But then I ask who or what is hurting their arm now? Of course they then have to concede that the arm is hurting by itself. A group of cells in the arm are now damaged and are sending off pain signals indicating this damage. It is no good looking to me to fix their arm, even though I caused the damage. The pain and the damage now belong to them, and it is for them to heal.
Of course I must be accountable for my actions as the one who committed the assault, but that has nothing to do with your healing. In this way, emotional damage and physical pain is exactly the same. Our pain is our pain. Our wound is our wound. We are wasting our time looking for someone else to take responsibility for it. We can certainly go to a healer or doctor; the same as we would for a physical wound, but this is part of taking responsibility for ourselves. When the damage is done, the damage is then for us to heal. Further more, a doctor is only aiding our body to heal itself. Unfortunately the medical profession's knowledge about healing emotional pain is very limited. We forget that if the body can heal itself physically then it stands to reason that it can heal itself emotionally. In fact, with the rapid increase in recent times of the power and effectiveness of alternative healing techniques, we are discovering repeated evidence that the ability to physically heal is directly related to our ability to emotionally heal. Therefore, the deeper the emotional healing, the more effective the physical healing. Because of this growing understanding and improved technique, alternative practitioners are achieving far more than they once hoped for. I believe we have a virtually unlimited capacity to heal on all levels, providing we can get our victim-based mind out of the way. To achieve this goal of letting go requires a skilled therapist and a willing patient or client.
We gain so much "satisfaction" out of sending someone off to jail, or are so devastated if they escape justice, but we don't stop to think that these feelings are not just about justice, they are also about revenge, which comes from a mind that thinks it is a victim, which then, as the victim, ties our happiness and wellbeing onto the outcome of whether justice is seen to be done or not. Domestic unrest falls under this same dynamic. When we are tied to this type of thinking we don't find healing. In fact we are ensuring that our wounds don't heal, because if they do we then have less excuses for being the victim. This is the story of why the human race suffers. Buddha said attachment is the root of all suffering. Attachment is the same as seeing ourselves as a victim, because we are making someone else responsible for our happiness. Underneath our victim mind is a belief that we are not truly worthy as human beings - that we are not capable of standing on our own two feet, that we can't even learn to do so. Therefore what is ultimately driving or suffering is a judgement made upon our own self.
The point I am making is that to the degree we tune out from ourself is the degree that we seek revenge on ourself for not being "good little boys and girls". In this case, being good boys and girls means being unemotional. We then seek revenge on others for the same reason. We claim we have "rights" - a right to revenge - a right to be a victim. These so-called rights still don't bring us healing. Therefore when we tune out we are tuning out from our own state of mind, and particularly our emotions. We are avoiding our basic responsibility as a human being. To tune out we use drugs, alcohol, food, TV, sex, power, money, so on and so forth. This is a major problem for one major reason, and that is the only way to truly heal our emotions is being prepared to totally open up to them with a heart of loving compassion for them. We must be prepared to open to them, feel them, and release them. If we are prepared to do this, even the deepest grief, for example, can be dealt with in less than a week.
Even though emotions can feel painful, they cannot hurt us. Our body and mind is actually designed to feel and experience a full range and intensity of emotional energy. Only distorted perceptions hurt and cause damage. This is something that is not well understood. "The only truth is that we are always worthy and acceptable, no matter what, as we are as human beings." Again, this does not mean we no longer take personal responsibility for our actions. What this truth is saying is that even when we make mistakes, we still deserve loving compassion. Any perception that falls outside of this truth is damaging to the human spirit or mind and is the product of someone who is first judging themselves - welcome to the human race.
Every emotional wound is simply a charge of pure emotional energy that has been trapped by a perception or belief that it is bad in some way to have that emotion, or that we must be terrible for someone to do this or that to us. We take things personally that are really about how the other person feels about themselves, not about us, even if it looks and sounds that way. What keeps our wounds alive is how we feel about ourselves. This is the root of all illness, whether it is mental, emotional, or physical. Dumping emotions on others in the form of abuse or hateful feelings still has nothing to do with emotions; it instead has everything to do with believing we are a victim. Dumping on ourselves is the same.
Therefore, empowered people who love and respect themselves seek justice but take total responsibility for their own healing. In fact empowered people fight for justice far more effectively because of this very reason. This is why empowered people have joy in their lives whether justice has been done or not. Therefore, whenever we feel emotional pain, it is simply another opportunity to open up to it, release it into our own mind so it can wash through and out of us, and pour love and compassion into the empty space that is left - healing is always the result. Correct the perception - Love the emotion. We don't need to wait around for someone else to do it for us - although when we find it tough to get past our negative perceptions we can ask others to help us help ourselves in this way - the most powerful form of therapy. We all have the spiritual or human capacity to do it for ourselves with a bit of help at first. We start by acting as if we love and care for ourselves, and the rest simply follows because the love is already there, waiting for us to unite with it.
The following exercises will help you establish a better connection to your potential for healing on all levels as well as your potential for personal empowerment, joy and serenity. If we approach life in the right way, every experience can be an opportunity for healing and personal growth.
Over the coming week list in your journal all the ways you catch yourself "tuning out" - that is; avoiding paying attention to how you are feeling, whether it is your thoughts, your emotions, or your body you are actively not paying attention to.
For example, some of the ways we tune out are: comfort eating, alcohol, mind altering drugs, criticizing others or ourselves, TV, video games, sex, sport, severe dieting, using our will to shut down our emotions, continually making light of things, worry, regret, over-working, too many nights out, reading half-a-dozen self-help books at a time, reading novels or other books, allowing others to control you. Are there any other examples that have occurred to you? Notice that what makes these things problematic is the reasons we do them, not necessarily the actions themselves.
When you catch yourself tuning out, do your best to get in touch with the feeling or thoughts that your mind was avoiding. Make some time to write what you discover down in your journal. Write down the way you chose to avoid feeling, or chose not to take responsibility for the way you were thinking.
Are your thoughts judging or criticizing you or others? Are they based in victim thinking - i.e. wanting to punish or blame, falling into self-pity, etc? Take some time to consider different ways of seeing the situation based on you being confused but totally worthy and acceptable, and seeing the others in the situation the same way. How can you change the way you approach this issue by taking responsibility for what you are feeling by gently, patiently, and lovingly caring for yourself and those around you? If you need to say no to someone, can you think of a way to be firm but caring at the same time? Write down what you discover, negative or positive.
When you feel confident enough, with an attitude of compassion and caring towards yourself, do your best to stay with your feelings, whether they concern your body or emotions. Allow yourself to stay present with them, follow them into yourself and see where they take you. Each physical feeling has an emotional issue attached to it. Ask your body what this issue is, relax and wait for what comes to you. Do your best to allow the stuck emotion to go free so it can wash through you and out of your system. Allow yourself to fully feel whatever is washing through you, remembering that you are completing a process that you did not have the opportunity to do when the emotion first became trapped within you. Remember that emotions are a pure energy, releasing them cannot harm us. Only the wrong attitude towards our emotions causes potential harm by keeping them trapped and judging ourselves as unworthy as human beings. Remember that the longer an emotional charge remains trapped within our body/energy system, the more chance there is of anxiety, depression, and disease. Also remember that an attitude of loving compassion and caring toward your emotional and physical pain will replace this pain with peace and healing. A few moments of release, even a few hours, can save years of suffering. Write down your experiences in your journal so you can refer back to them.
What have you noticed you are doing to yourself when you tune out? For example: Not caring for yourself, abandoning yourself, disregarding your own wisdom, harming yourself physically, punishing yourself, repressively controlling yourself, avoiding pain, avoiding fear, judging yourself for being human. What else has occurred to you? How has your commitment to care for yourself changed? Write down what you have discovered about yourself in your journal.
What insights, ideas, or decisions have come to you while doing this process? Write them down before you forget them and get in touch with whether they are the product of your higher-wisdom. Have faith in yourself. You too have a Soul that is in touch with the knowing of the ages.
How can you put what you have learnt from your higher-wisdom into practice?
Keeping a daily journal is the corner-stone to caring for ourselves. Finding the discipline to keep a daily journey can be difficult at first. Our initial resistance is a good indication as to how much we truly care for ourselves. This is because sitting down at our journal each day is like sitting down over coffee with a friend. If we are resenting our friend then we are not going to be motivated to spend time with them. Also, when we are in our victim thinking our wounded inner-child is running the show. Our inner-child is always looking to someone else to take over the responsibility of caring for it. This is as it should be if we are a child. However, now that we are an adult, such thinking is self-destructive. The adult in us must now learn to lovingly care for our inner-child. Personal responsibility is about caring for ourselves.
Writing in a journal is about:
-Getting to know yourself.
-An opportunity to plan your day.
-An opportunity to express, get in touch with, and define your emotions.
-Keep track of emotional issues that tend to build up and interfere with your happiness and wellbeing and to explore ways of taking care of these emotions.
-Set goals and assess your progress each day.
-Get in touch with your Higher Wisdom by simply endeavoring to take responsibility for the challenges in your life. This can come in the form of:
This is your own personal diary/work book. No one is going to mark it. We don't have to write things that are profound - we often do when we don't mean to. It is about keeping a focus on our personal growth, and it is particularly about self-acceptance. If you persist, in a short time writing in your diary will become a treasured and routine part of the day. It is also a good reality check because neglecting your diary is a sure indication that you are neglecting yourself. Keeping a daily dairy is a way of getting comfortable with ourselves and once we get settled into the routine it only takes a couple of pages a day to stay in touch.
When you can consistently accept yourself as you are, and keep a daily focus on your life, you can, one day at a time, make great changes in your life.
Studying self-care and self-empowerment books is essential to our personal growth and wellbeing. Look at this statement carefully. Note how I used the word "study" and not just "read." When we study something we read it more than once and even make our own notes. It is of little use to read a self-help book like a novel and then expect it to make a difference to your life. We must study such books, do the exercises and endeavor to put them into practice. If we do this, the same book will reveal more and more to us each time we reread it. This is how we learn anything. The same goes for self-help videos and tapes. This is the only sure way to reprogram our minds - to kick out those old self-defeating mindsets that keep blocking us from love, serenity, joy, and abundance. Once again it is the victim thinking of our wounded inner-child that wants it all to happen magically.
Another thing to note about the first statement is the distinction I made between "self-care" and "self-empowerment" books. We need to learn how to take of our inner-selves - our emotions and state of mind - by studying self-care books. We also need to learn how to effectively act and create in the world and to stay motivated, and we do this by studying self-empowerment books.
We are all attending the University of Life. We all enrolled the moment we were born. Fortunately this is a well-stocked University - the best in the world in fact. All the resources are available to us if we make the effort to find them.
We are not failing by not being able to do it alone. What prevents us from seeking counseling is our lack of self-worth. We feel this lack of self-worth in the form of shame. Shame is a very uncomfortable emotion to feel and we cope with this by covering it up with pride. Pride says we are OK when we know that we are hurting, thus pride prevents us from getting the care that we need. Allowing ourselves to stay trapped by these feelings is very damaging to our wellbeing. Our lack of self-worth is something that we have learned over time. It is a confusion in the mind that can be corrected.
We are all limited by our personal experiences and our perceptions. Every athlete who wants to reach a high standard needs a coach. We need to interact with someone who is trained in mental/emotional "fitness" to give us new information and a new perspective. Living is a skill like anything else, and these skills need to be learned in order to gain the fulfillment we are looking for. There is no one who would not benefit from working with a personal counselor, and most highly successful people do just that.
Another way our fear traps us into self-destructive cycles is when we believe our mind when it says not to trust anyone. I often hear the statement, "I don't trust anyone I don't know?" How then are we going to get to know anyone new? How are we going to learn anything new? We also want people to be perfect before we trust them. Unfortunately we are on the wrong planet for that one. Therefore, such fears are not really about trust, they are once again about our lack of self-worth. We can always think of instances when people have hurt us, but when we think of these instances we don't take the next step and look at how we got ourselves into these situations in the first place. Also, the quality of our relationships reflects the quality of our relationship with ourself. Once again it is time to stop being the victim and start taking care of ourselves.
Trust only really comes from trusting our own higher wisdom. It is not what happens to us, it is how we feel about it and deal with it that determines our experiences. Finding a personal sharing group to participate in enables us to be in a group of like-minded people who are making the effort to accept themselves and one another. When we make the effort to regularly attend such a group we quickly realize that we are not so different after all, that their stories are very similar to ours. We get to hear how they are putting the principle of personal care and self-empowerment into their lives and therefore learn from their experiences. We begin feeling comfortable about ourselves through the loving acceptance of the others in the group and we link up with people who truly know how to care about us, because they are making the effort to care about themselves. We are nurturing ourselves by linking up to a loving community of positive people.
Participating on a weekly basis in such a group is one of the best ways of finding self-acceptance, which is essential for opening up to our own higher wisdom.
Rest is essential for healing and rejuvenation of body and mind. Meditation is one of the best ways to learn how to relax. Relaxation meditation is very easy to do. It is also very common place these days so finding a suitable meditation tape or someone to show you some simple techniques takes little effort.
Having fun is also essential for healing and rejuvenation. All too often we get on the tread-mill of thinking that we can't be happy until we achieve this or that, or until a certain person treats us "properly". Meanwhile we are wasting our opportunity to enjoy life now. Happiness is a choice. It does not depend on outside circumstances. We can literally choose to have fun whenever we wish, and this is essential for inner healing and personal growth. Our body and mind needs to rest and find enjoyment in order to have time to fully integrate shifts of consciousness. If we don't make the time to rest and have fun we soon lose our motivation and vitality, and we may even burn out. Also, a joyful mind is a clear mind. A clear mind is a creative mind - one that looks for solutions rather than worries about problems. Further more, once you have connected up to your personal sharing group, there will always be someone to go and have fun with.